// Seriously losing//

WEIGHT!

I’ve gotten serious about losing it again and it’s working. I already dropped 10.5 lbs in 3 weeks and I wouldn’t even say I am as nuts as I was last year where I was working out 3 hours a day to get YOU KNOW to notice me. Whatever it worked, but I’m not trying to get anyone’s attention this time. Maybe I’m trying to gain a little envy, but from no one particular. It all goes back to the quote:

Living well is the best revenge.

It really is. Always is. Sometimes it feels like it doesn’t or shouldn’t matter, but if I learned anything about my life at this tender age of 27, it’s that it ALWAYS matters what you look like, because you project who you are by what you look like. I’m not talking about clothes or your hair or your tattoos or lack thereof;  it’s more confidence and the way you carry yourself. If you are overweight and you are trying to wear “Juicy” sweatpants with your mufftop hanging out and something made of synthetic material which highlights every roll you have, you are simply projecting that you have a false sense of how large you are, and it’s not confident, it’s insecure.

I think this an epidemic. There is always going to be that ONE picture or that ONE comment that will set you off on to the right path, and snap you out of it, but idk if we are always lucky enough to hear it when we should.

When you break free from that “I’m fine the way I am” mentality and actually start experiencing optimal health/fitness, you start observing things differently. I will notice girls that aren’t necessarily fat posting photos of themselves where they look thinner of course, which is normal, but what’s not normal is when they post these photos and totally disregard what the OTHER people in the photo look like. One girl in particular, cute as hell, love her personality, always happy, not fat, but not thin, kind of curvy but always dresses well so you don’t directly notice that- she posted a photo of herself on facebook where shes kind of stretching her neck over so shes in the photo, while the other people look like they are about to puke from being drunk or messed up. Of course it’s flattering for her, but I would be SO mad if I was one of those people. I’m not friends with those people, so IDK maybe it was fine, but to me, that’s saying “I’m SO desperate to look thin, that I will completely forget about my friends feelings by posting this as my profile pic.” She’s not even like that but how can I just assume that it doesn’t matter to her? Or there’s another girl, who posts herself looking goofy- well that doesn’t make you look any BETTER? or when chunky girls have that ONE photo that makes them look like 23 pounds lighter even though its from 2009, they still use it. GIVE ME A BREAK- is it REALLY that hard to just control yourself?

Maybe it is. I think I have a skewed perspective because I think everyone with a weight problem should just stop eating meat. But apparently that’s another IMPOSSIBLE task.

I get pissed that I think about this stuff. I hate facebook. I’m only on it because I really don’t know how to not be. No one really thinks about us 1984 babies, but by the time I was 10, computers were in EVERY classroom. By the time I was 14, I was a regular in a couple AOL chatrooms, by the time I was 15, I had a livejournal, by the time I was 16, I had a MAKEOUTCLUB profile, I had an ONLYUNDIESCLUB profile, I had Xanga, I had FOLLOWERS and FRIENDS on the internet. I grew up like this. I want to break free, but I love it as much as I hate it. I love knowing that the world is RIGHT THERE, always. The people I most respect never use facebook or use it infrequently, I don’t think I could ever be someone like that, unless I find something that is completely satisfying and annoying at the same time, because, in essence, that IS what social media is.

// need a day off off//

I know I have a vacation coming up this summer, but I am really really tired.

This past week Aaron was in Nashville, so things are a little rougher, but Brinson’s pal Jeremy just moved here and needs pals, so I hung out alot with him. Infact, the only day we didn’t hang out was Monday and Friday. He’s cool, he’s pretty attractive, but I am not attracted to him, he’s a bit shy when sober, he’s also ex military, which is one of those irrational turn offs for me. But I like him alot as a friend and he loves the pugs. :)

I started playing rock paper scissors on my co-worker Sara’s team in this pabst challenge. If we win, we get a ton of money, well not a ton but at least a grand. I like it. I got to round 3 of 4 on my very first time. It was great. The owner of Connies has the hots for me. I also saw him Tuesday (sitting next to me at karaoke) Wednesday (while I was standing outside of Teri’s) and obviously Thursday at RPS. He looks like Ted Mosley the architect haha.

This weekend was a complete shit show too. Friday, I met Alex at the Trestle for some drinks because he is moving  to Chicago this week :/ Sucks but I like hanging out with him, he’s funny and he never makes me feel uncomfortable.

Saturday, Aaron, Brinson, Jeremy, and I all went to this Bike Formal at the Ruba room which stays open until 3am and is behind Silk City. We met Mimi, John, and Andrea there. We also saw some other people we knew. We took horrible slutty drunk photos that I never want to see… even though there is a good chance I look like a babe because my diets been working and I technically didn’t even need to wear my spanx. :D

This week without Aaron, I really realized how much his beard scares men away. I was also getting hit on by alot of DECENT looking dudes. I can always tell my diet is working by the number of white to black men that hit on me. That’s not racist because there are a few select black guys that I’d def bang. I just think darker men like thicker women. Nothing wrong with that, I just don’t want to be a thicker woman anymore.

I am supposed to practice with Josh tonight at my house, but I have to call it off. I feel bad because I was supposed to practice with him yesterday but he had plans after 6 and I wasn’t ready until 6 and last week, I didn’t go to practice because my allergies were so bad I was rendered useless. Today, I think there is just something straight up wrong with me. I think I need to WebMD some shit and get some medicine. My eyes are picky, my stomach is upset, I’m clammy and sweaty but freezing, I feel like I’m about to start crying at any minute even though I’m not even sad. I barely slept. I’m not hungry. I feel like my colon is burning. What could this all mean?

I really need to go see a doctor soon. The problem is time. I have none.